Tuesday, July 05, 2011
I have been given the opportunity to forgive.
I feel aggrieved that my husband could not get over himself and ask me to dance at my brothers wedding. I felt belittled by this and ugly in his eyes.
This is a problem. I need to feel attractive generally and to my husband especially. So this has been a mental blow that I did not need, and that I told him he was inflicting on me at the time. It made no difference we did not dance.
Reading up on the process of forgiveness I understand that I am hurting myself in not doing the work of forgiveness. It certainly feels miserable, and everything is tinged with a sadness to me. Jogging was like being 10kg heavier. So I am fed up of being cross. But how to forgive??
1. Must stop rehearsing my grievance
2. See it from his point of view. OK, lets try that:
Disco dancing makes me feel scared and embarrassed. This process makes me feel ill and exposed. I understand my wife wants to dance but it just makes me feel unwell and scared. I have a long journey to make at an early hour of the morning and I really just want to get back to the hotel and sleep. Dancing will not make this goal happen, instead I will be stuck until after midnight because if I dance once she will expect me to dance more - this I know from past experience. I can hear she is hurt and wants to dance and she is angry - this is just making me more determined not to dance - how much fun can it be when she is in this mood?
*OK I am done with that. As I write it I just shoot down his side of the argument as miserable excuses- NOT helping.
3. Think of positive things that have come out of the negative experience. Here goes
- he got his sleep, which he is not good without and was needed for the journey
- we safely made it to Wales, including getting lost.
-we picked up a new cat!
-we traveled safely onwards home.
- Husband has been contrite and done little tasks without the usual prompting
- Husband played with children in a manner he usually wouldn't due to his self consciousness, because of his contriteness - to the utter delight of the children.
4. If amends are made - I MUST move on
5. If amends are not made - I MUST move on - but not repeat the same exposure to vulnerability. I see this as not inviting him to be with me on any future occasions that may involve dancing. This is deeply sad - but probably a huge relief to him. In this way I will be able to dance (assuming I have got myself into a situation where it is inevitable eg: Up Helly Aa) without all his transference baggage.
6. Accidentally while writing this I have realised part of why I have felt SO awful and angry about what is really small beef. I said it just above - transference. He's given me all his emotional baggage and I have amplified it. I certainly was not looking unattractive - that must have been him feeling like that.
So moving on.
Posted by 60N at 4:33 AM