Struggling

I have been given the opportunity to forgive.
I feel aggrieved that my husband could not get over himself and ask me to dance at my brothers wedding. I felt belittled by this and ugly in his eyes.
This is a problem. I need to feel attractive generally and to my husband especially. So this has been a mental blow that I did not need, and that I told him he was inflicting on me at the time. It made no difference we did not dance.
Reading up on the process of forgiveness I understand that I am hurting myself in not doing the work of forgiveness. It certainly feels miserable, and everything is tinged with a sadness to me. Jogging was like being 10kg heavier. So I am fed up of being cross. But how to forgive??
1. Must stop rehearsing my grievance
2. See it from his point of view. OK, lets try that:
Disco dancing makes me feel scared and embarrassed. This process makes me feel ill and exposed. I understand my wife wants to dance but it just makes me feel unwell and scared. I have a long journey to make at an early hour of the morning and I really just want to get back to the hotel and sleep. Dancing will not make this goal happen, instead I will be stuck until after midnight because if I dance once she will expect me to dance more - this I know from past experience. I can hear she is hurt and wants to dance and she is angry - this is just making me more determined not to dance - how much fun can it be when she is in this mood?
*OK I am done with that. As I write it I just shoot down his side of the argument as miserable excuses- NOT helping.
3. Think of positive things that have come out of the negative experience. Here goes
- he got his sleep, which he is not good without and was needed for the journey
- we safely made it to Wales, including getting lost.
-we picked up a new cat!
-we traveled safely onwards home.
- Husband has been contrite and done little tasks without the usual prompting
- Husband played with children in a manner he usually wouldn't due to his self consciousness, because of his contriteness - to the utter delight of the children.
4. If amends are made - I MUST move on
5. If amends are not made - I MUST move on - but not repeat the same exposure to vulnerability. I see this as not inviting him to be with me on any future occasions that may involve dancing. This is deeply sad - but probably a huge relief to him. In this way I will be able to dance (assuming I have got myself into a situation where it is inevitable eg: Up Helly Aa) without all his transference baggage.
6. Accidentally while writing this I have realised part of why I have felt SO awful and angry about what is really small beef. I said it just above - transference. He's given me all his emotional baggage and I have amplified it. I certainly was not looking unattractive - that must have been him feeling like that.

So moving on.

My beautiful feline soul mate, Raja, died today. He was 1 years old. He was the most beautiful cat in looks and temperament. Unfortunately he became very ill, loosing a lot of blood. Steroids and antibiotics were not enough to save him. My grief is intense and is shared by John who was with him in his last minutes.
I hope the life spark that was in my cat moves on to some stronger vessel that can enjoy life for longer.

oh so tired

Dear diary, for that is what this blog is - an occasional diary for me. Today has been a sod of a day. 80+ folk in the triage slots for 30 appointments there abouts. I am exhausted by the demands the nit picking and the all round barrage that is triage and duty days at the health center. I generally like triage - as there are a lot of folk I can help quickly or get an appropriate appointment for. But today sucked. Very few appointments and high demand.
What are my colleagues all doing and why are we stuck with the promise of contacting all patients - when with the demand is way out stripping the docs ability to provide. I feel I am being harmed through this and the fire fighting is demoralizing - no head way and only abuse as a rewards for trying t your hardest.
Today one of our most experienced lovely receptionists had a torrent of angry groundless anger flung at her. The git then complained to the board and they had a go at her too. So groundless was this gits complaint that he spontaneously phoned and appologised. But the harm had been done - both with his shitty actions against a lovely lady who works for the public good and by the members of the health board undermining my friends confidence in herself and her superiors with their high handed support of the complainant.

We get 80-150 contacts a day demanding attention to their results and discussion about them, about meds, about family members, needing appointments as we have 2 docs to field this demand. 1 is triage and 1 is duty, so sometimes duty calls one away. The docs also have to support the nurses and will be called away from the monstrous waiting list of callers to see just one case. Or the receptionist will but-in with pharmacy updates, hospital colleague calls or even just to nag on behalf of some waiting patient - NO I will NOT speak to them right now, I tired 30mins ago and now it is another persons turn for me to try.

Well thats me fed up and tired. No lunch, 3 urinations no break. More tomorrow with duty doc Monday. I can't escape this is my life. One day the demand will be too much for even the superhuman effort we routinely get asked to make and something clinically indefensible will happen - with the only defense being i could not get time to attend to this problem!!!